Prayer list for today:
that a fellow walker finds this blog
that an encourager can come and help along the way
that I am able to find the right path again
that I can once again trust in God.
that I can repent from the sin I am facing
I had said in one of my earlier posts, that I feel like I am Job. Sometimes I feel that God has allowed Satan to unleash his fury on me, to test me, to see if I can still turn to God. I am learning now, that if I truly was Job, then I would not have turned my back on God. I would not have reverted to sin. I have been so hypocritical lately. "Oh woe is me. Let's go sin again to get back at God. He will forgive me." I was forever wrong in this prognosis. I decided that if I was going to compare myself to Job, I should put up or shut up. Meaning; I know the story of Job.... bad things happen to him, his friends try to persuade him and comfort him, God comes to the rescue. But I have never really studied the book of Job.
So, today I am starting a new format. I am going to dive in and actually study the book of Job, as opposed to having a daily bible passage to reflect on. I figure, if I am going to make some broad claims about being like Job, I should learn who this man is. Where did he come from... what was he really like. So, I just read the first chapter. I am nothing like Job.
First off, Job was blameless, righteous. Not at all like me. Job was the kind of man that would make repentence offerings on behalf of his own children, because he was sure that they have sinned in one way or the other! A sin offering on behalf of another? I only know of one other person to have done that... Christ when he took the cross. Christ, however, offered himself as the sin offering for all of the world. Right off the bat, I can see that Job is more like Christ, than I am more like Job. Who was I kidding.
Second, Job was abounded with blessings that Satan had taken away, with permission from God of course. I did not lose any blessings, I have not lost anything. I still have my wife, my home, my health, my job. The only thing that I have to be angry about with God, is that things have not gone the way I have planned. Notice, the way I had planned, not the way God had planned. I have turned my face from God, acting as if I have been betrayed, and just by reading the first chapter of Job, I see that I have been more like Judas than Job. I have been the betrayer. What is wrong with me... impatient? God said wait on my plans, and I said no, I want them now!!!?" Or am I just ambivilent to the plans that God has in store for me. Did I want my own dreams so badly that I imagined that it is what God had planned for me as well?"
These two questions came to mind as I concluded chapter 1 of Job. Well, I already have the answer to one of them. I never asked God what He wanted for me. Not just in my career, and what I do on a day to day basis, but hopes, dreams, etc. I never emptied my heart and asked. I just assumed that if the dream was planted, it must have come from God. That cannot be true. It may be possible, but I am realizing that it is not the case for me. So, my daily prayer for today is going to concern softening my heart, hollowing my head, and making me perceptive to what God wants for me in my life. Who knows, maybe God did plant my dreams and ideals, and I am still on the wait and grow list... and I have refused to grow. Or have been too whiney.
Here, I am noticing that I have been holding everything against God, and here all along, I have been the problem. Oh, the sin is still out there. I am working on repentence. I have stumbled a couple of times, but have not fallen into the sin completely again, so I am noticing God's work in that area. I am sure that there are a few who are curious about the sin. It is lust. I am happily married to a beautiful loving woman, but my eyes always wander to other women when they are around. And the near clothing that they wear these days does not help. But with God's strength over the past week, I have been able to catch myself ready to stray, and God pulls my attention elsewhere. Thank you God!
Each day, even though I am not posting everyday, I am feeling my trust for God grow stronger and stronger. Especially now after referring to Job. I am not only realizing that it was not God that was the problem, but I am also realizing that the problem of trust has come from within. How can I blame God for something when I am solely responsible? You can't blame the cop for giving you a speeding ticket, when you are the one that is speeding, can you? Well, I guess you can blame the cop, but would it get any results? It is the same in this case. I broke the rules... I had sinned... and I am blaming God for being the enforcer. And I was holding contempt for God because of it. Hmmmmm.... kinda like some one with a guilty conscience hating cops.
Personally, I am through with all of this guilt. I am through with this anger towards God, when it should be directed towards myself. I am tired of this sin, and am fighting against it. I may lose a battle here and there, but with God's help, I will win that war. And, I am avowing to be more Christlike everyday. But, I think that is an ultimate goal. I vow to be more Joblike everyday, and thereby becoming more Christlike. I think that being the sinner that I am, trying to be more Joblike, for the moment, is a more attainable goal. Once I get there, I will reach for the prize. Just need to take stepping stones in a forward direction.
Dear Father in Heaven,
I am noticing more and more everyday, that it has not been you that abandoned me, but I who have turned from you. I am not sure what directly caused this aversion, but I have recently set my eyes back on you, and am willing to turn my life around for you. I wish to be more like Christ, but realize that I am in fact weak... I am human. So, Father, as I set out on this new journey, I wish to be more like Job, one who loves you unconditionally. I vow Father to use him as an attainable model to get me closer to you, so that ultimately I can become more Christlike.
I thank you Father, for opening my eyes to see where I have gone astray, and for providing that strength to me when I have been weak. I am also thankful for the times when you have made me conscious of my efforts to break away from sin. But to, God, goes the glory. You have made me aware of my weaknesses, and yet you are providing the strength for me in those area. Only You can do that, Father, and I thank you for that.
I ask, Dear Lord, that you make me more of aware of what You want from me, and to help me run away from the things I want from you. We are to give you the glory, Lord, but if I end up getting what I want in the end, it will most likely be me giving the glory to myself. I ask that you soften my heart, and make me more attentive to things you want me to have. The dreams you have for me. Make me aware, and certain, that the paths I am on, are the paths that you want me to follow. Amen.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Fixing the Sin
After some deep soul searching, over the past few hours, I have been able to identify the sin that has put me in the wilderness, into exhile. Honestly, I can tell you, it feels like I have been there for forty years. Although it has only been five or six. I cannot imagine how it must have been for the Israelites who had a literal 40 years in the desert. I have only had a few years in comparison, and have been absolutely miserable.
I have spent the past two afternoons hiking with my wife, and walking with God. I was out enjoying His earth, His creation. I was with my wife physically, but not emotionally, as I was searching my soul... searching for God. And it dawned on me. I found what my great sin is. I choose not to share that sin publicly, but I have confessed it to God. It is time now to repent. And here is where the trust issue comes into play.
I know that there is no way that I can conquer this sin on my own. I need God's help, strength, guidance, encouragement, and most of all, forgiveness, in order to run from this sin. But, my lack of trusts makes it hard for me to believe that He will be there for me when I need Him the most. It is at those times, when I feel weak, and don't trust that God is there for me, that I will need that human encourager... not to help me conquer the sin, but to remind me that God is there for me. To point out how he is helping me, holding me up. To show me that I can trust God.
Prayer list for today:
that a fellow walker finds this blog
that an encourager can come and help along the way
that I am able to find the right path again
that I can once again trust in God.
that I can repent from the sin I am facing
Bible passage for the day:
Romans 6:12-14 (NASB) Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace.
Reading this, I know that I must conquer this sin, I must repent. Unless I am able to repent, I will not be able to trust in Him. Just think, I am now feeling like that I have abandoned Him, and not the other way around. How confusing this is for me. I am angry, sad, untrusting, and now.... confused. Oh boy are my thoughts messed up. Now, I don't know if I should be mad at God, or myself. I love chapter 6 of Romans. To me, it really opens up the doctrine of free will... the chapter gives us a choice. Be a slave to sin, or a slave to righteousness. It sounds funny.... be a slave, or be a slave. We must take note though, that although we are a slave to righteousness, it is slavery to freedom! Freedom from sin, freedom from the worldly, freedom from opression, freedom from all that injures our souls!!! A free slave, and at the same time, a freed slave! Well, according to Paul, I have a choice, and I choose freedom. I choose to be a slave to God. I wish to repent, but I will need help to get through this sin of mine.
Oh mighty and most heavenly Father, I know now that I have sinned against you. I know that I need to run from this sin, I need to turn away. God, I need your help. It is only through you that I will be able to fully repent and be on the path that leads to you. Father, God, Yahweh, I need you to help me. I have been strong in my sin, and now Father, I need to be weak in my resistance. I need to weaken my mind and my soul so that I can submit myself to you and your will. It is through allowing you to enter my life that I will be able to be set free. God I want that freedom. Lord, I thank you for your Son who died for my sins... MY SIN! You sent your one and only Son to die on this earth for me! I ask that You are able to open my eyes to that and allow me to realize that I am forgiven. Lord God, I am tired of the cold, and wish to feel your warmth, and your love again. Please, God, enter my heart and assisst me inthis battle against my sin, and let me feel the grace, love and sanctity that only you can provide. Amen.
I have spent the past two afternoons hiking with my wife, and walking with God. I was out enjoying His earth, His creation. I was with my wife physically, but not emotionally, as I was searching my soul... searching for God. And it dawned on me. I found what my great sin is. I choose not to share that sin publicly, but I have confessed it to God. It is time now to repent. And here is where the trust issue comes into play.
I know that there is no way that I can conquer this sin on my own. I need God's help, strength, guidance, encouragement, and most of all, forgiveness, in order to run from this sin. But, my lack of trusts makes it hard for me to believe that He will be there for me when I need Him the most. It is at those times, when I feel weak, and don't trust that God is there for me, that I will need that human encourager... not to help me conquer the sin, but to remind me that God is there for me. To point out how he is helping me, holding me up. To show me that I can trust God.
Prayer list for today:
that a fellow walker finds this blog
that an encourager can come and help along the way
that I am able to find the right path again
that I can once again trust in God.
that I can repent from the sin I am facing
Bible passage for the day:
Romans 6:12-14 (NASB) Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace.
Reading this, I know that I must conquer this sin, I must repent. Unless I am able to repent, I will not be able to trust in Him. Just think, I am now feeling like that I have abandoned Him, and not the other way around. How confusing this is for me. I am angry, sad, untrusting, and now.... confused. Oh boy are my thoughts messed up. Now, I don't know if I should be mad at God, or myself. I love chapter 6 of Romans. To me, it really opens up the doctrine of free will... the chapter gives us a choice. Be a slave to sin, or a slave to righteousness. It sounds funny.... be a slave, or be a slave. We must take note though, that although we are a slave to righteousness, it is slavery to freedom! Freedom from sin, freedom from the worldly, freedom from opression, freedom from all that injures our souls!!! A free slave, and at the same time, a freed slave! Well, according to Paul, I have a choice, and I choose freedom. I choose to be a slave to God. I wish to repent, but I will need help to get through this sin of mine.
Oh mighty and most heavenly Father, I know now that I have sinned against you. I know that I need to run from this sin, I need to turn away. God, I need your help. It is only through you that I will be able to fully repent and be on the path that leads to you. Father, God, Yahweh, I need you to help me. I have been strong in my sin, and now Father, I need to be weak in my resistance. I need to weaken my mind and my soul so that I can submit myself to you and your will. It is through allowing you to enter my life that I will be able to be set free. God I want that freedom. Lord, I thank you for your Son who died for my sins... MY SIN! You sent your one and only Son to die on this earth for me! I ask that You are able to open my eyes to that and allow me to realize that I am forgiven. Lord God, I am tired of the cold, and wish to feel your warmth, and your love again. Please, God, enter my heart and assisst me inthis battle against my sin, and let me feel the grace, love and sanctity that only you can provide. Amen.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
My walk with God
I have recently come to realize that although I have a faith in God, and I do consider myself a Christian, I am finding that I have a huge earthly struggle with my TRUST in God. As such, I am using this blog as a sort of journal of my quest to find that trust once again. At one point I felt that I was on fire for God, but somewhere along the route that I thought that God wanted me to follow, things went horribly, horribly wrong! I found myself in a violent tailspin, hurtling towards the earth, expecting the violent crash to occur at any second. I was out of control, losing more and more trust in what God had in store for me. I was angry with Him, feeling that he was abandoning me, leaving me lost and alone.
Now, however, I am slowly beginning to realize that it may have been I who had abandoned HIM! I began to question all the why's and how's of everything that He had done, without realizing that it was I that had gone wrong. Currently, I am still feeling like Job, that God is allowing Satan to abuse me to test my faith. And I don't think that I have lost my faith, but I have lost my trust and my way. I still feel lost and abandoned, but am now making a definative effort to find my way back. I am committing myself to daily prayer, bible study, and devotion in order to right myself, and once again walk with God.
This blog will be a daily journal of that attempt to find that trust in God, again. I know that it is through answered prayers that I will be able to find glimmers of that trust, and I will be able to keep a daily list of those answered prayers here. It will also be a calender of sorts that will allow me to see how long it may take in order for me to find that trust again. I believe that finding that trust may take as long I have been without trust... so I am thinking that it may take about 5 years or so. 5 years. The five years without God seemed long... but I think that the 5 years that I am committing to this may seem faster. It is also my hope, and a prayer that someone along the way may find this blog. One who is feeling the same pain that I am feeling. One that would enjoy taking the walk with me. Or maybe it will be someone that is an encouragement to me... to push me along the rough spots (I slipped and tripped over rocks and stones going off of the path, I will have to face those same stumbling blocks getting back to the right track). I know that I will need the strength of God and the help and prayer of others to succeed.
My prayer list for today:
that a fellow walker finds this blog
that an encourager can come and help along the way
that I am able to find the right path again
that I can once again trust in God.
Bible passage for the day Jer 29:11-14 (NASB) "For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you," declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile."
Hmmmmm..... maybe the Lord has driven me from the path. Perhaps there is some sin that I have committed that still needs forgiven and repented. I just may be in exhile, and that is what is keeping me from following God and trusting in Him completely. I will need to look deep inside my heart and soul and investigate this aspect more thoroughly. I am human, so, I am sure that I have sinned somewhere, as we are all fallen, but I know this isn't a simple matter of "dear God, I lied to my mother". In order to have been exhiled by God, there myst be something deeper. Guilt and exhile go hand in hand. The good news from this passage, is that there is hope, that God has plans for me that are not full of calamity.... which is not the way I have been feeling for the past few years. My belief has been sort of contrary... i knew God had plans for me... but I always expected those plans to include heartache, strife and sadness. I so need to break this Job spell.
Daily prayer: Lord, help me to find that sin in my life that is keeping me in exhile from you. Help me to believe that you do not have calamity in store for me. Help me to find my way back to You so that we may continue on that journey that leads to You. Father, I will need strength and encouragement. I may need a partner in this, someone to walk with me and give support when the stumbles and trips occur. Father, throughout the history of the human relationship with you, we have always looked for support and companionship while following in your footsteps. Even your Son had the 12 apostles to turn to when he needed human companionship. Lord I am looking for only 1 or 2 to help. Most importantly Lord, I want you to know that I miss you, and that I need your guidance in my life. I yearn to have myself close to you once again. I ask all of this in the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit as One God, forever... Amen.
Now, however, I am slowly beginning to realize that it may have been I who had abandoned HIM! I began to question all the why's and how's of everything that He had done, without realizing that it was I that had gone wrong. Currently, I am still feeling like Job, that God is allowing Satan to abuse me to test my faith. And I don't think that I have lost my faith, but I have lost my trust and my way. I still feel lost and abandoned, but am now making a definative effort to find my way back. I am committing myself to daily prayer, bible study, and devotion in order to right myself, and once again walk with God.
This blog will be a daily journal of that attempt to find that trust in God, again. I know that it is through answered prayers that I will be able to find glimmers of that trust, and I will be able to keep a daily list of those answered prayers here. It will also be a calender of sorts that will allow me to see how long it may take in order for me to find that trust again. I believe that finding that trust may take as long I have been without trust... so I am thinking that it may take about 5 years or so. 5 years. The five years without God seemed long... but I think that the 5 years that I am committing to this may seem faster. It is also my hope, and a prayer that someone along the way may find this blog. One who is feeling the same pain that I am feeling. One that would enjoy taking the walk with me. Or maybe it will be someone that is an encouragement to me... to push me along the rough spots (I slipped and tripped over rocks and stones going off of the path, I will have to face those same stumbling blocks getting back to the right track). I know that I will need the strength of God and the help and prayer of others to succeed.
My prayer list for today:
that a fellow walker finds this blog
that an encourager can come and help along the way
that I am able to find the right path again
that I can once again trust in God.
Bible passage for the day Jer 29:11-14 (NASB) "For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you," declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile."
Hmmmmm..... maybe the Lord has driven me from the path. Perhaps there is some sin that I have committed that still needs forgiven and repented. I just may be in exhile, and that is what is keeping me from following God and trusting in Him completely. I will need to look deep inside my heart and soul and investigate this aspect more thoroughly. I am human, so, I am sure that I have sinned somewhere, as we are all fallen, but I know this isn't a simple matter of "dear God, I lied to my mother". In order to have been exhiled by God, there myst be something deeper. Guilt and exhile go hand in hand. The good news from this passage, is that there is hope, that God has plans for me that are not full of calamity.... which is not the way I have been feeling for the past few years. My belief has been sort of contrary... i knew God had plans for me... but I always expected those plans to include heartache, strife and sadness. I so need to break this Job spell.
Daily prayer: Lord, help me to find that sin in my life that is keeping me in exhile from you. Help me to believe that you do not have calamity in store for me. Help me to find my way back to You so that we may continue on that journey that leads to You. Father, I will need strength and encouragement. I may need a partner in this, someone to walk with me and give support when the stumbles and trips occur. Father, throughout the history of the human relationship with you, we have always looked for support and companionship while following in your footsteps. Even your Son had the 12 apostles to turn to when he needed human companionship. Lord I am looking for only 1 or 2 to help. Most importantly Lord, I want you to know that I miss you, and that I need your guidance in my life. I yearn to have myself close to you once again. I ask all of this in the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit as One God, forever... Amen.
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