After some deep soul searching, over the past few hours, I have been able to identify the sin that has put me in the wilderness, into exhile. Honestly, I can tell you, it feels like I have been there for forty years. Although it has only been five or six. I cannot imagine how it must have been for the Israelites who had a literal 40 years in the desert. I have only had a few years in comparison, and have been absolutely miserable.
I have spent the past two afternoons hiking with my wife, and walking with God. I was out enjoying His earth, His creation. I was with my wife physically, but not emotionally, as I was searching my soul... searching for God. And it dawned on me. I found what my great sin is. I choose not to share that sin publicly, but I have confessed it to God. It is time now to repent. And here is where the trust issue comes into play.
I know that there is no way that I can conquer this sin on my own. I need God's help, strength, guidance, encouragement, and most of all, forgiveness, in order to run from this sin. But, my lack of trusts makes it hard for me to believe that He will be there for me when I need Him the most. It is at those times, when I feel weak, and don't trust that God is there for me, that I will need that human encourager... not to help me conquer the sin, but to remind me that God is there for me. To point out how he is helping me, holding me up. To show me that I can trust God.
Prayer list for today:
that a fellow walker finds this blog
that an encourager can come and help along the way
that I am able to find the right path again
that I can once again trust in God.
that I can repent from the sin I am facing
Bible passage for the day:
Romans 6:12-14 (NASB) Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace.
Reading this, I know that I must conquer this sin, I must repent. Unless I am able to repent, I will not be able to trust in Him. Just think, I am now feeling like that I have abandoned Him, and not the other way around. How confusing this is for me. I am angry, sad, untrusting, and now.... confused. Oh boy are my thoughts messed up. Now, I don't know if I should be mad at God, or myself. I love chapter 6 of Romans. To me, it really opens up the doctrine of free will... the chapter gives us a choice. Be a slave to sin, or a slave to righteousness. It sounds funny.... be a slave, or be a slave. We must take note though, that although we are a slave to righteousness, it is slavery to freedom! Freedom from sin, freedom from the worldly, freedom from opression, freedom from all that injures our souls!!! A free slave, and at the same time, a freed slave! Well, according to Paul, I have a choice, and I choose freedom. I choose to be a slave to God. I wish to repent, but I will need help to get through this sin of mine.
Oh mighty and most heavenly Father, I know now that I have sinned against you. I know that I need to run from this sin, I need to turn away. God, I need your help. It is only through you that I will be able to fully repent and be on the path that leads to you. Father, God, Yahweh, I need you to help me. I have been strong in my sin, and now Father, I need to be weak in my resistance. I need to weaken my mind and my soul so that I can submit myself to you and your will. It is through allowing you to enter my life that I will be able to be set free. God I want that freedom. Lord, I thank you for your Son who died for my sins... MY SIN! You sent your one and only Son to die on this earth for me! I ask that You are able to open my eyes to that and allow me to realize that I am forgiven. Lord God, I am tired of the cold, and wish to feel your warmth, and your love again. Please, God, enter my heart and assisst me inthis battle against my sin, and let me feel the grace, love and sanctity that only you can provide. Amen.