Prayer list for today:
that a fellow walker finds this blog
that an encourager can come and help along the way
that I am able to find the right path again
that I can once again trust in God.
that I can repent from the sin I am facing
I had said in one of my earlier posts, that I feel like I am Job. Sometimes I feel that God has allowed Satan to unleash his fury on me, to test me, to see if I can still turn to God. I am learning now, that if I truly was Job, then I would not have turned my back on God. I would not have reverted to sin. I have been so hypocritical lately. "Oh woe is me. Let's go sin again to get back at God. He will forgive me." I was forever wrong in this prognosis. I decided that if I was going to compare myself to Job, I should put up or shut up. Meaning; I know the story of Job.... bad things happen to him, his friends try to persuade him and comfort him, God comes to the rescue. But I have never really studied the book of Job.
So, today I am starting a new format. I am going to dive in and actually study the book of Job, as opposed to having a daily bible passage to reflect on. I figure, if I am going to make some broad claims about being like Job, I should learn who this man is. Where did he come from... what was he really like. So, I just read the first chapter. I am nothing like Job.
First off, Job was blameless, righteous. Not at all like me. Job was the kind of man that would make repentence offerings on behalf of his own children, because he was sure that they have sinned in one way or the other! A sin offering on behalf of another? I only know of one other person to have done that... Christ when he took the cross. Christ, however, offered himself as the sin offering for all of the world. Right off the bat, I can see that Job is more like Christ, than I am more like Job. Who was I kidding.
Second, Job was abounded with blessings that Satan had taken away, with permission from God of course. I did not lose any blessings, I have not lost anything. I still have my wife, my home, my health, my job. The only thing that I have to be angry about with God, is that things have not gone the way I have planned. Notice, the way I had planned, not the way God had planned. I have turned my face from God, acting as if I have been betrayed, and just by reading the first chapter of Job, I see that I have been more like Judas than Job. I have been the betrayer. What is wrong with me... impatient? God said wait on my plans, and I said no, I want them now!!!?" Or am I just ambivilent to the plans that God has in store for me. Did I want my own dreams so badly that I imagined that it is what God had planned for me as well?"
These two questions came to mind as I concluded chapter 1 of Job. Well, I already have the answer to one of them. I never asked God what He wanted for me. Not just in my career, and what I do on a day to day basis, but hopes, dreams, etc. I never emptied my heart and asked. I just assumed that if the dream was planted, it must have come from God. That cannot be true. It may be possible, but I am realizing that it is not the case for me. So, my daily prayer for today is going to concern softening my heart, hollowing my head, and making me perceptive to what God wants for me in my life. Who knows, maybe God did plant my dreams and ideals, and I am still on the wait and grow list... and I have refused to grow. Or have been too whiney.
Here, I am noticing that I have been holding everything against God, and here all along, I have been the problem. Oh, the sin is still out there. I am working on repentence. I have stumbled a couple of times, but have not fallen into the sin completely again, so I am noticing God's work in that area. I am sure that there are a few who are curious about the sin. It is lust. I am happily married to a beautiful loving woman, but my eyes always wander to other women when they are around. And the near clothing that they wear these days does not help. But with God's strength over the past week, I have been able to catch myself ready to stray, and God pulls my attention elsewhere. Thank you God!
Each day, even though I am not posting everyday, I am feeling my trust for God grow stronger and stronger. Especially now after referring to Job. I am not only realizing that it was not God that was the problem, but I am also realizing that the problem of trust has come from within. How can I blame God for something when I am solely responsible? You can't blame the cop for giving you a speeding ticket, when you are the one that is speeding, can you? Well, I guess you can blame the cop, but would it get any results? It is the same in this case. I broke the rules... I had sinned... and I am blaming God for being the enforcer. And I was holding contempt for God because of it. Hmmmmm.... kinda like some one with a guilty conscience hating cops.
Personally, I am through with all of this guilt. I am through with this anger towards God, when it should be directed towards myself. I am tired of this sin, and am fighting against it. I may lose a battle here and there, but with God's help, I will win that war. And, I am avowing to be more Christlike everyday. But, I think that is an ultimate goal. I vow to be more Joblike everyday, and thereby becoming more Christlike. I think that being the sinner that I am, trying to be more Joblike, for the moment, is a more attainable goal. Once I get there, I will reach for the prize. Just need to take stepping stones in a forward direction.
Dear Father in Heaven,
I am noticing more and more everyday, that it has not been you that abandoned me, but I who have turned from you. I am not sure what directly caused this aversion, but I have recently set my eyes back on you, and am willing to turn my life around for you. I wish to be more like Christ, but realize that I am in fact weak... I am human. So, Father, as I set out on this new journey, I wish to be more like Job, one who loves you unconditionally. I vow Father to use him as an attainable model to get me closer to you, so that ultimately I can become more Christlike.
I thank you Father, for opening my eyes to see where I have gone astray, and for providing that strength to me when I have been weak. I am also thankful for the times when you have made me conscious of my efforts to break away from sin. But to, God, goes the glory. You have made me aware of my weaknesses, and yet you are providing the strength for me in those area. Only You can do that, Father, and I thank you for that.
I ask, Dear Lord, that you make me more of aware of what You want from me, and to help me run away from the things I want from you. We are to give you the glory, Lord, but if I end up getting what I want in the end, it will most likely be me giving the glory to myself. I ask that you soften my heart, and make me more attentive to things you want me to have. The dreams you have for me. Make me aware, and certain, that the paths I am on, are the paths that you want me to follow. Amen.