I have recently come to realize that although I have a faith in God, and I do consider myself a Christian, I am finding that I have a huge earthly struggle with my TRUST in God. As such, I am using this blog as a sort of journal of my quest to find that trust once again. At one point I felt that I was on fire for God, but somewhere along the route that I thought that God wanted me to follow, things went horribly, horribly wrong! I found myself in a violent tailspin, hurtling towards the earth, expecting the violent crash to occur at any second. I was out of control, losing more and more trust in what God had in store for me. I was angry with Him, feeling that he was abandoning me, leaving me lost and alone.
Now, however, I am slowly beginning to realize that it may have been I who had abandoned HIM! I began to question all the why's and how's of everything that He had done, without realizing that it was I that had gone wrong. Currently, I am still feeling like Job, that God is allowing Satan to abuse me to test my faith. And I don't think that I have lost my faith, but I have lost my trust and my way. I still feel lost and abandoned, but am now making a definative effort to find my way back. I am committing myself to daily prayer, bible study, and devotion in order to right myself, and once again walk with God.
This blog will be a daily journal of that attempt to find that trust in God, again. I know that it is through answered prayers that I will be able to find glimmers of that trust, and I will be able to keep a daily list of those answered prayers here. It will also be a calender of sorts that will allow me to see how long it may take in order for me to find that trust again. I believe that finding that trust may take as long I have been without trust... so I am thinking that it may take about 5 years or so. 5 years. The five years without God seemed long... but I think that the 5 years that I am committing to this may seem faster. It is also my hope, and a prayer that someone along the way may find this blog. One who is feeling the same pain that I am feeling. One that would enjoy taking the walk with me. Or maybe it will be someone that is an encouragement to me... to push me along the rough spots (I slipped and tripped over rocks and stones going off of the path, I will have to face those same stumbling blocks getting back to the right track). I know that I will need the strength of God and the help and prayer of others to succeed.
My prayer list for today:
that a fellow walker finds this blog
that an encourager can come and help along the way
that I am able to find the right path again
that I can once again trust in God.
Bible passage for the day Jer 29:11-14 (NASB) "For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you," declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile."
Hmmmmm..... maybe the Lord has driven me from the path. Perhaps there is some sin that I have committed that still needs forgiven and repented. I just may be in exhile, and that is what is keeping me from following God and trusting in Him completely. I will need to look deep inside my heart and soul and investigate this aspect more thoroughly. I am human, so, I am sure that I have sinned somewhere, as we are all fallen, but I know this isn't a simple matter of "dear God, I lied to my mother". In order to have been exhiled by God, there myst be something deeper. Guilt and exhile go hand in hand. The good news from this passage, is that there is hope, that God has plans for me that are not full of calamity.... which is not the way I have been feeling for the past few years. My belief has been sort of contrary... i knew God had plans for me... but I always expected those plans to include heartache, strife and sadness. I so need to break this Job spell.
Daily prayer: Lord, help me to find that sin in my life that is keeping me in exhile from you. Help me to believe that you do not have calamity in store for me. Help me to find my way back to You so that we may continue on that journey that leads to You. Father, I will need strength and encouragement. I may need a partner in this, someone to walk with me and give support when the stumbles and trips occur. Father, throughout the history of the human relationship with you, we have always looked for support and companionship while following in your footsteps. Even your Son had the 12 apostles to turn to when he needed human companionship. Lord I am looking for only 1 or 2 to help. Most importantly Lord, I want you to know that I miss you, and that I need your guidance in my life. I yearn to have myself close to you once again. I ask all of this in the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit as One God, forever... Amen.